I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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