Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
