She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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