Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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