I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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