nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
