i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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