drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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