I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
