I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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