great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
