PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
