So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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