Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
