Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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