I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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