i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
