If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
