I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
