I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
