What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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