Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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