I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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