i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
