My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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