That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
