I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
