Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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