My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
