I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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