I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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