our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
