Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
