...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
