And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
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Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
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I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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