I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
