I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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