I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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