Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
