its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
