the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
