I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
