I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
