she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
