Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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