is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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