Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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