I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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