shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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