I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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