you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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