I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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